Remember to Float

I haven’t blogged in a while and today after an incident, after my frustration and then sadness took over, I felt it was a good time to blog. And not just for therapy, because if I can touch one person, then maybe it’s worth it to share my life.

I highly recommend the Pixar short, Float. Float is about the fear of not being able to protect someone you love and learning to let go. For this that haven’t seen it, it is about a father and son’s relationship.  The son has some extraordinary gifts that make him different. After one bad reaction from other parents, the dad feels compelled to hid his son from the world, until the dad realizes one day that the world needs to see his son and his son needs to be happy. Because in the end, isn’t that what we want, for our children to be happy?

My son, who is “high-functioning autistic” or “somewhat special needs” did something today that caused me a lot of embarrassment. It wasn’t anything extremely terrible, no one got hurt. But it upset me. I finally felt like we were doing great and moving ahead and bam!

I got upset. We went to a quiet room where I sternly reprimand him for his behavior and actions. I also took him to the bathroom and gave him a spanking...which does not work on him and makes me feel worse. 

And then away from him, I said it. I said those words that I thought I never would say, “why can’t you be normal? Why can’t they tell me what’s wrong so we can help you? Why is this always so hard?”

I’m crying just writing these words and thinking back. I think I have cried all day. This precious gift that God gave me when I thought all hope was lost on having another child, I’m questioning. How could I even say that? If anything my thoughts and words are worse than his behavior. 

Instead of focusing on the positive things that make my son different, I chose to see the weird kid that has terrible behavior that no one wants to be around. I chose to have the fear again of thinking, “they want to put him in Kindergarten?! What’s going to happen? He’s not ready? Especially when this happens!” Instead I should be thinking, “wow, they want to put him in Kindergarten, they think he’s ready. That’s great.”

In the case where he does make a bad decision, doesn’t fit the norm, makes weird sounds or throws a fit, I need to remember why God gave me this child. He gave me this amazing child who loves, who never has met a stranger, who makes you see the magic in a butterfly. This child that you will fight battles you never fought before, hug a little tighter and love fiercely. 

I also need to remember that I am human. I will fall and get frustrated. I will hurt and I will not be able to fix everything as much as I want to fix everything. And that’s it’s okay to cry. And to let my son shine in the world and be happy. 

To all the parents out there struggling, It’s okay. You are going to have good days and a whole lot of bad. Remember to take a deep breath, shake off the bad and keep pushing through. Remember to pray and remember to stop and slow down and see the gifts that God has given you. And remember it’s okay to float.