Faith Struggle

I always told myself that if I blog or share apart of me, that I would speak from my heart, not lie, and be unapologetically me. 

And here I am. I'm going to share with you my issues with Faith. Like a little therapy session. As most of those close to me know, things don't always come out of my mouth correctly. And I'm not meaning to offend - sometimes I speak (or type) without thinking. 

Let's dive into my issues...that sounds so self-centered and narcissistic...but here we are.

I few up Methodist. I had friends that were Catholic and would join them for CCD or mass. I married a Catholic, I became a Catholic, my children were baptized as Catholic. There are things that I like about Catholicism and things I just didn't. And after having to struggle to get across town to get to mass on time and pouring our lives into leading church festivals and helping with events with criticism. We left. I decided to go back to the church where my children went to preschool. I always felt welcomed there. I remember from early on the Pastor greeting us every morning I dropped Lizzie off. And the members of the church very welcoming. And it brought me back to my Young Life and youth groups. And it was Catholic-lite, haha.

I started a plan where I read the bible in a year. And as I read both Old and New Testaments at the same time, I keep feeling like I'm going to go to hell. I have done wrong in my life and reading the words, I keep thinking well, I'm going to hell. Even thought Injave changed my ways, grown-up, became a wife, a parent, I still feel that way. Some days I think there are people in this world that are truly evil and I get to spend eternity with them. I try very hard to live a righteous life, to do what I am supposed to but I feel like the Word is saying I'm not good enough. And this is a huge struggle for me. I have repented, I've told my confessions to a priest…which why should I have to do that? Shouldn’t that between me and him?

Also, I don't think one religion is better than another. I feel like if all Christians have the same goal. But then again, if we did, wouldn't the world be such a better place?

 Another struggle is with Faith. Not the church I attend, but actual Faith. I have this internal struggle. I know God is real. As yet I feel like when I question him, I'm choosing not to believe he is real. And I question a lot. I need him to prove himself to me. He really doesn't because He already has. And yet...

I would ask why and question. And believe me, I know it's not our place. But how could a God take my child from my womb at 16 weeks? How could He give me my miracle baby with so many issues? Or other babies with issues and problems? How could He take a friend away at a mere 39 with a 10-month-old son and a loving husband? How could He put my father-in-law in the bad condition when he showed no signs of being ill? How can He let the world be in the state it is in?

And where I don't have the answers for some of these, I think of what He has shown me. He has shown me things that can't be explained. How as we prayed the rosary of my husband’s stepmother, she passed away right as the sun set, where day met the night.

He showed me, angels. My best friend growing up’s mother, Theresa, was a Labor and Delivery nurse. She would tell us how she would deliver our babies. And she died tragically young. But the night I was set to deliver Lizzie, I dreamed of her. The next day as the contractions hit worse a nurse came in and said that my epidural ran out and the alarm was broken. She got it fixed and seeing me in pain, she said I'm going to sit with you and hold your hand. My name is Theresa.

When we had Cooper baptized, the Deacon asked if I had his wife as a nurse when he was delivered. I asked him her name and he said, “Theresa.”

We found that Luke, who I miscarried with was going to have so many issues if he was born. Then without even trying, I found myself pregnant with Cooper. And Cooper has touched so many lives. If Luke hadn't gone back to Heaven, Cooper wouldn't be here today. 

And recently I have seen His works through prayer. My father-in-law was diagnosed with Covid-19 on December 5. He showed no symptoms. My husband took him to the doctor's on January 21. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's and he till had Covid. On Sunday, he couldn't get out is his chair. My husband went to his parent's house at my mother-in-law’s urging.  They called EMS where they found his blood sugar level dropped to 43. They took him to the hospital. None of us could go. Come to find out he had Covid-pneumonia, he had no signs. He was given oxygen on Monday night. He took his make off and coded. They revived him with CPR and put him on a ventilator and moved him to a room in the ER since there were no beds in ICU. 

Dustin got to go in and see him on Tuesday (at his own risk). It was heartbreaking.  We were prepared for the worst. I clung on to hope. But in my mind, I couldn't understand it. How could God give us this pain? I prayed, we all prayed, friends and family prayed. We even had people put him on prayers chains at churches we have step foot in. 

And then, his EEG came back good. His MRI showed his lungs were doing well. And as of last night, he was starting to be weaned off the ventilator and was off for a full hour and now today he was off for two hours and squeezed the nurses hand when she asked him too. Those are little miracles and those are proof that prayer works and that He is listening. 

I'm not going to give up my hope for a full recovery for my father-in-law. I will continue to pray. And as I come to crossroads that cause me to question Him and wrestle with Faith, I will take time to reflect and remember that even though He doesn't have to prove himself, He has time and time again.